Rant

The last few weeks have been hard.  Really hard.  I know I can find people who have it much harder than me, but sometimes - like today - that's not enough to make me feel better.


And since the purpose of this blog is to show what it's like trying to succeed at a dream, I'm not going to shy away from the hard aspects. I'll sum up why it's been hard.


1.  Our favorite chicken, named Bronson, died last week.  He was one of only two that we named.  He turned out to be a she, and we ended up naming her, briefly, after a good friend of ours who's name sounds remotely similar.  It was sad.  We gave her every chance, and she fought hard to live, and she seemed to be doing better.  On the day she died, we found her lying in the path unable to move.  We gave her a bit of water.  The Husband, believing he was going to have to put her down, did some research to see if there was any last ditch effort that could be made.  She died while he was researching.


2. Mom ended up in the emergency room for the sixth or seventh time in the last year.  We believe she's developed an allergy to some insect that bites in summer.  Not mosquitoes, but something along those lines in that it's generally harmless to most people.  In my mother, it results in severe cellulitis.  This translates to her swelling up in scary proportions wherever she's been bitten.  This resulted in two doctor visits and two antibiotic prescriptions as well as injected steroids and three days of looking like some sort of alien being.  


3. I have been struggling with feminine issues.  It's never really possible to discuss this sort of thing without falling into the realm of TMI, but suffice to say that I have been bleeding a ridiculous amount with heavy clotting.  Not conducive to getting anything done and costs extra money in feminine products.


4. Speaking of money - we don't have enough.  We can foresee a time in the not to distant future when we will have enough, but it's been two years now of living hand to mouth, and I mean that literally.  I juggle every month to make certain we can survive on what my mother is bringing home.  Naturally, the house is taking forever to sell.  I personally believe it won't sell until we don't actually need it to.  Each time something unexpected comes up - even something that costs as little as a hundred dollars - we get completely thrown off our budget, and I'm left scrambling to make certain we don't owe ridiculous fees to those bottom feeders we have here in America - the bankers and the credit card companies.  For my non-American readers, what I mean is that if I screw up the slightest bit, it will cost me, at minimum $35.00 per screw up.  When you're already broke, a $35.00 ding makes it damn hard to catch up.  It usually results in a spiral effect of more $35.00 dings, a vicious cycle that I've experienced in the past but managed to avoid this go 'round.


6. Today, the coffee maker broke.  The car is leaking oil like a sieve.  The chickens keep getting into the neighbor's yard.  The toilets back up on a daily basis.  The husband is having regular back trouble.  I think that's everything, but yeah, it's piling up.


Finally, I tried to sell a couple items on eBay.  I've heard about people who do this very successfully on a regular basis.  Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.  And while I wouldn't normally be surprised or care, this time hit me rather hard.  I had listed a painting that is currently worth about $2000 retail.  So I listed it at $1000 with a buy it now of $1500.  Whether or not I followed all the little tricks necessary to be successful - and I don't know if I did or not - well, obviously I didn't, because I wasn't successful.  What got me was that someone was watching the auction.  I got it into my silly little head that this individual was planning to buy the painting at the last minute.  I even had little fantasies about them being a dealer and snapping up all of my other product as I listed it.


No. Such. Luck.


And Saturday is my mother's birthday.  She's being a real champion and telling me that it's okay that we've had to cancel our plans.  She's perfectly content sitting at home with me and watching a marathon of our favorite soap opera.  And, on some level, I'm certain she really is content because she's thrilled to have me here in America.  But she's turning 66 this year, and I'm really tired of her having to go without the finer things in life.  Hell - I actually fantasize about being able to get a haircut or buy underwear when I need it.


So, yeah.  I'm feeling sorry for myself today.  Well, I should say I've felt sorry for myself today.  I've spent the last four hours trying to get it together after that last disappointment, and I think this little rant ought to do the trick.


I will now head off to clean the kitchen.  Then, my husband will make a fantastic meal out of inexpensive ingredients, and we will watch something entertaining on our projector, and tomorrow and will be another day, and we will succeed at this dream, and that's why I want a record of just how damn hard it was, because I have a tendency to forget when things are good.  Not to mention, I've read a lot of success stories where they don't give the details of the hard stuff.  I will just take this moment to be grateful that I'm not homeless and I don't have children relying on me.